WANDERING BETWEEN THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD AND SIN
My name is Susan Sprott. I was born Susan Holloway on March 20, 1967 in Norwood, New Jersey. I was baptized as an infant in the Episcopal Church, but I don’t remember going to church as a child. We had Bibles at home, and somehow I learned a little about God. My father was working his way up the ladder in a large corporation, and we also moved a number of times as he was transferred with his company.
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| Susan Sprott ( |
The normal thing for girls at my high school to do was have a boyfriend and experiment with sex, drugs, and alcohol, so I flowed with the crowd in an attempt to “fit-in” and have a social position. Although I acted normally in the eyes of popular culture, my conscience was bothered because of my knowledge of God. As I committed various sins I would pray for help to stop, but I also enjoyed sinning and my guilt was allayed by thoughts that my behavior was not that bad compared to other people. I tried many different things to fill my empty heart, but these stimulations did not produce happiness or fulfillment. I even tried reading the Bible in my late teens, but it didn’t make sense to me. The biggest pleasure I had at this time was reading books, in which I could escape from my life to other worlds.
I TRIED HARD TO DISCOVER THE MEANING OF LIFE, BUT . . .
Eventually I went to college. Although I got good grades, I changed my major several times, unable to find a good fit. I tried journalism (twice), art, public relations, and French. I traveled to France for a summer program and loved French culture and Europe in general. But I thought it would be hard to learn French deeply without moving to France, so I finally changed my major to English so I could graduate. Through this major, I fell deeply into literature and decided that the great writers of the world could teach me the meaning of life.
During college, I again flowed with “normal” college culture which included a lot of drinking and parties. But I prided myself in being able to get good grades despite my activities. I also was able to restrain myself into only having sex within two long-term relationships before getting married, and using the standards of the world I judged this to be “good” behavior. However my mind was very dirty and depraved and deep in my heart faint echoes of condemnation were still arising from my vague knowledge of God.
One time during college, while getting my hair cut, the hairdresser started talking to me about God, and told me that Jesus was calling for me like a shepherd and that I could hear His voice because I was one of His sheep. I got a panicky feeling at that time and all the hair on my head stood up and I couldn’t breathe. I went home and told my live-in boyfriend (and future husband) that maybe I should be a Christian and asked him if he would leave me if I did. He told me to do what I wanted. But I was afraid I would have to give up reading secular books if I became a Christian and, as I didn’t want to do that, I put the idea out of my head.
I met my husband at college. After we married, we settled in Tampa, Florida. My dream was to be a writer, and his to be a journalist. I worked part-time at a bookstore and read and tried to write books. However, literature was ultimately depressing, as most books ended in heartbreak, failure or disillusionment. Many of my favorite writers ended their lives in poverty, mental illness or suicide. Also I did not really enjoy writing, and was not satisfied with what I produced. Because I did not want to accept my mediocrity and let go of my illusion that I could one day be a great writer, I struggled on and on, falling deeper into debt, depression and hopelessness.
MY RELIGIOUS LIFE COULDN’T FILL THE THIRST
One day I was wandering around my college library and happened upon the philosophy section and started reading essays. I picked up a book of religious essays. After reading a couple that argued for and against the existence of God, I started reading an essay by Blaise Pascal entitled The Wager. As I read this I suddenly felt like God was trying to contact me. Like the time with the hairdresser I felt panicky, my hair stood on end, and I couldn’t breathe. Later that night I told my husband that maybe I was going crazy and needed to see a psychiatrist, but that I thought God was calling for me. Although he didn’t believe in God, he said let’s try going to church.
We went to the local Episcopal Church since that was the denomination I was baptized into. In my church we were taught to follow the law as best we could and repent when we fell short. With zeal I began to learn about the Bible and try to do my best to amend my ways and live properly. At first my efforts appeared to bear fruit in that my marriage got better, I made many friends, I got a job as a secretary and advanced in my company, we got out of debt, and eventually had our first child. Because I was so zealous, people at my church saw me as a spiritual person and my priest asked me to help serve the wine at the altar during communion.
However all of these advances were on the outside. In my heart I was suffering more and more. I was plagued with attacks of nameless fear which made me feel physically disoriented, and self-diagnosed this as some sort of anxiety disorder. As I tried to push down my fears, doubts, and evil thoughts and cover them with good actions, I felt more and more desperate. But everyone around me seemed more or less happy with Jesus, so I hid my heart.
My actions were good at this time, but the problem was Jesus said if we think sinful thoughts like hate or lust, we have committed those sins in the eyes of God. I tried to control my thoughts, but as I did they grew wildly. I wondered why God didn’t help me. Was there a problem between God and me? The Bible talked about the “wicked” and the “righteous.” I could not decide which one I was. These questions tormented me. Sometimes I would feel emotionally close to God and shed tears, but then like a roller coaster I would feel disconnected and even wonder whether I could go to heaven. My sister and I attended a Billy Graham crusade and came forward to receive salvation. We were told to pray the “sinners’ prayer,” ask Jesus to be our personal savior, and then believe that we were saved. Then we were given a cassette tape about spiritual life and the phone number of a counselor. I tried to believe I was saved, but continued to be plagued by doubts when I saw my sinful heart.
I WANTED DESPERATELY TO FIND A TRUE CHURCH
Also, as I read the Bible on my own, I could see discrepancies between the Words I read and the behavior of my church. Sometimes I would bring up these concerns with my priest, but he would say I was too “fundamentalist” and “scrupulous.” I wondered what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t find peace and rest. People around me told me to “let go and let God,” but I had no idea how to do this.
My priest eventually sent me to a “spiritual director,” a 90-year-old Catholic nun. We met once a week and talked about God, but my problems did not get solved, rather I had more and more questions. Eventually she recommended that I see a psychologist. It felt as if my deepest fears were being realized. But I had no faith in psychology to solve my problems. In fact, the psychiatrist I knew suffered from debilitating depression and was unable to solve her own problems, and another counselor took anti-depression medication but eventually committed suicide.
Eventually my church split due to fighting between my priest and some members of the congregation. The priest left and started his own church I lost faith in him as a spiritual leader. I stayed at the original church. But then the new priest gave a sermon in which he said he did not like the Old Testament because he believed in a god of “love” and the Old Testament god was not a god of love. Even I could sense that this was blasphemy. I immediately left and started praying to find a “true” church.
I visited every church in my neighborhood—Methodist, Baptist, Open Bible, Disciples of Christ, Church of Christ, non-denominational. I even attended classes to become a Catholic, thinking that maybe the Catholic Church was the true church since it was the oldest. But again, I could see discrepancies between their teachings and the Bible, so I could not continue.
Because most of my former friends either sided with our priest or the original church, I was estranged from my old companions. Also I was estranged from my husband because he became disgusted with religion, having attended church with me for the past five years and given tithes and offerings only to have everything end in ruin. He did not follow me in my quest to find a “true” church. I felt very alone and my private suffering increased. I read a news story in which a demon forced a woman to kill her children and I developed a secret fear of becoming demon-possessed and harming my child. I did not feel secure or protected by Jesus. I felt I could not tell anyone about my fears because if I did I thought I would be sent to a mental institution and lose my family. I was tormented day and night and desperately prayed for help.
A MEETING PREPARED BY GOD
I could not find a church that felt right, but I was scared to be alone so eventually I gave up looking and chose the Church of Christ because it seemed the closest to the Bible. In the middle of all this I met Rebecca, a missionary’s wife from South Korea at children’s story time at my local library. She had a daughter the same age as mine. I was so interested in her because I 100 percent believed that the churches in America were corrupted and that we needed missionaries. Another mom at story time and I were already meeting weekly for coffee and for our daughters to play and had talked about having a Bible study, but we didn’t know how to proceed. I invited Rebecca to join our meetings at my house.
As we met and talked, I confessed that God was such a mystery to me. I told her I especially could not understand why God did not help me overcome sin since He hated sin so much. I can never forget what happened next. Rebecca drew a circle around her heart and said that she had no sin at all in her heart, and that she was totally white and clean. I was completely speechless. Finally I asked her where this was in the Bible. She looked for some Script-xures, could not find what she was looking for, and promised to call me when she got home. Later she called and told me to read Hebrews 2:14–15:
Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil; And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.
I thanked her for trying to help me, and she said not to thank her, that it was her duty.
We arranged a weekly Bible study with her husband (Missionary Yoon-sung Shin). As he talked about the Bible I was enthralled. I had never heard the Bible explained so deeply and precisely. Questions I had always struggled with were being answered. He gave me the book, The Secret of Forgiveness of Sin and Being Born Again by Pastor Ock Soo Park. As I read the book, I felt as if the pastor knew Jesus and knew peace and I desperately tried to understand what he was saying. Early on I realized that this gospel had to be the truth and agreed with everything Missionary Shin and Pastor Park said. I was unsure as to whether I had received salvation and asked Rebecca how you know when you received salvation. She said, you just know. Again I felt so in the dark. I tried to understand and believe, but I didn’t know how.
Pastor Park said we should not struggle against sin, that this was useless. I certainly had experienced the uselessness of it, but what alternative was there? This was such new teaching for me. I thought about it—what if I didn’t struggle against sin? I didn’t think I would give tithes, or even go to church. So one day I tried it and didn’t go to church. Instead I went to a park and read the Bible. I came upon Jesus’ Words in
Matthew 23:27–28:
Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.
As I read these Words my heart was completely exposed and condemned by Jesus. Suddenly it became clear that my entire spiritual life had been an elaborate fantasy, and that Jesus and I were not friends, but enemies. Even then, the separation between God and I felt so complete, I thought He would not hear me. I couldn’t sleep, and just begged God to help me and my doomed family.
One day I could not wait for the weekly Bible study and called Missionary Shin. I asked him what was preventing me from being saved. He said he would come over to my house. When he arrived, he said that Satan was preventing me, and he explained the gospel to me step by step. He asked me if I believed. I was so distressed I could not judge if I believed or not, but I desperately did not want to be destroyed and go to hell, so I just said, yes, I believe. He said I received salvation. I said thank you and he left. That day was
September 11, 2002.
After he left, I was plagued with condemnation that I had lied to the missionary and that I didn’t really believe. The next day I called Rebecca and told her I was a liar, and that I didn’t know if I believed or not. She just laughed cheerfully and told me that it was normal for Satan to plague us with doubts, and reaffirmed that I had received salvation and that we would continue the Bible studies so the gospel would take firm root in my heart. Her cheerful laugh was like rain on my soul, and I gave myself over into the hands of the church with hope in my heart.
I’M PEACEFUL BECAUSE OF GOD AND HIS CHURCH WHO UPHOLD ME PERFECTLY
For the first time I tasted peace. I remember waking up one morning and just lying in bed, not wanting to move, marveling at the thought, “I am perfect; there is no more work to do.” With the all-consuming focus on cleaning and bettering myself removed, I felt like I was floating away. I took all of my “Christian” books which taught me how to improve and keep the law down to the dumpster and threw them away. I no longer began my prayers with my usual wretched confession, but with wondrous thanksgiving. Jesus had mercifully covered me with His wing and officially taken over all my responsibilities—from my sin, to my family, to my future. I could finally rest.
Since salvation, my Lord has upheld and led me and my family perfectly. Since I am a person who strongly believes in herself, Jesus had to allow many of my plans, ambitions and wrong thoughts to crumble, however He has unceasingly implanted so much hope and love in my heart through His Words and amazing church. God has allowed so many of my fears and weaknesses to be revealed in His church, and has freed me from Satan’s thoughts one by one. Every time I think, “Now others will despise me and throw me away,” but I only receive love, understanding and acceptance. Man cannot open his heart and accept others like this, so I clearly see God’s unconditional love.
God led me to travel to many retreats and conferences and to Korea for the 2005 World Camp. He allowed my sister to receive salvation one month after me. He gave me another daughter, and both of my children are growing beautifully in the church. Although my husband has not received salvation yet, I can see God holding our marriage together and blessing us. God has poured His grace on me by allowing me to help edit articles for The Good News Magazine and to pursue the dream of becoming a teacher. He has faithfully provided true servants to fight for me and guide me, and I am so grateful for them. When I hear the testimonies of how God raised up His servant Pastor Park, and how through his simple faith the gospel reached all the way to my city in America to save me, I am so thankful and amazed. I hope many more Americans can experience this freedom and peace.
I was a dirty, useless, ruined person, but my Loving Lord Jesus restored all things for me and has planted dreams and songs in my heart. Even though I am so weak, because Jesus is doing these works for me, my life is truly “sweeter as the years go by,” just as the old hymn says. Even before my Lord gathers me to Him in heaven, I have tasted heaven here on earth, within His Words and church.